As many people know, pregnant women have a tendency to read a lot... about nutrition during pregnancy, about different symptoms of pregnancy, about breastfeeding, about childbirth, about parenting techniques, just to name a few. However, unlike many things I've read would suggest, I am not nervous about what it will be like to be a mother and to have to care for an infant. I'm not worried about whether I won't know enough about what I'm doing...that I will somehow harm the child because I will be ignorant of how to best rear him up. The whole being a mother and having a child feels like it's just the next step in life for me and that doesn't phase me at all. (At least, I don't think about it and I don't notice it ever.)
But I must admit I am completely terrified about what our finances are going to look like after the new year. I think about what it would be like to stay home after maternity leave and how wonderful it would be to spend time with my baby and to watch all the little milestones that make him such a perfect little boy. (Really, it's what I long for...like a dream!) Then I think about the student loans that Mark will be taking out, how that affects our future after schooling in this horrible market because so far he doesn't have a job for after graduation. There's only so much that he can really take out in loans anyway, and will it be enough for us to live comfortably if I DON'T return to work? Most likely not...which means that I will need to go back to work. Then, that entails getting a babysitter...which will just add to the expenses for which I'm working to try to pay.
Yes, I know that to this some people would just say, "Well, if you couldn't afford it, you shouldn't have gotten pregnant!" I understand that line of logic, but those people must remember that I didn't really plan for this timing of the baby. I was trying for a slightly different, yet much more convenient timing. Besides, in my defense, I felt like it was something that God wanted me to do for a long time, and I can't really tell Him "no" forever. That being said, there must be an ounce of faith in me that God will see me through this challenge. I've been taught that faith and fear cannot coexist in the same being in the same matter at the same time. I believe that it is the right time according to my Heavenly Father that we have a child, and I DO believe that He will help us find a way to pay for what we need to and to still find happiness and joy in our lives. However, I still find that I am completely terrified. How can that be?
My mother once pointed out to me back when I was a sophomore in college that I have a fear of not knowing what will happen in the future. I now find that to be a not-so-uncommon fear among many of us. "You need to learn to have faith to take a step when you can't see past 2 feet in front of you!" she told me. Well, I'm not going to hold back on this one, basically because I don't really have a choice at this point, but I really wish that I knew what all those unknown factors could be so that I can actually make a calm and rational decision. I'm scared to walk into the darkness of financial uncertainty at this time of national economic turmoil, but I believe that God will help me by lighting the path that will be best for our family. This is going to take a lot of prayer and contemplation before I can really know what to do, but hopefully I'll get to the point where I feel like I KNOW what to do. Mark, so lovingly, keeps telling me to not worry about it, but I think that's basically because he doesn't want me to stress...it's really not good for me or the baby right now.
Yes, you can say that I'm a scaredie-Kat...I'm in this circle where I feel like I'm being pulled from faith to fear to faith to fear. I've decided that I will stand firm and ask for God to be on my side. At least this doesn't make me any less excited about having my little boy come join our family. Someday I too will be saying, "but it's all worth it!" Right now I can see that he will be a thick and bright silver lining in the dark cloud that may come...if not just blow those dark clouds completely away with all the sunshine he'll bring! :)
12 years ago
4 comments:
Hey it is normal to freak out! I think thats what will make you good parents. If you are worried about the future and plan accordingly then thats good. If you just sit back and expect everything to work its self out then (I think) That is irreasponable. You guys will do fantastic. We are super excited for you! And hey if I can do it ya'll will be just fine! (:
You know, Kat, I am the youngest of 5 children. My parents were NOT well off when I was little - I honestly remember my mom having to go to the bishop's storehouse a couple times and us needing assistance from other places. I know we didn't have alot of money, and we didn't get alot of things. But now, thinking back on that time, I didn't realize when I was little that we didn't have alot. We had what we needed. What's stupid, is I find myself feeling guilty if I can't get Joey the hotest new toy, but then I remember when I was a kid getting the off-brand teddy ruxbin and LOVING it. What I'm trying to say here is that you will do fine, as long as you are following the Lord. What my mom always told me about raising 5 kids and being almost destitute "If I had waited until I could AFFORD to have kids, I never would have had any! And I don't regret one minute of it!"
You will do fine, and everything will work out. If it feels like the Lord wants you to stay home, then do and it will work out. If you feel like the Lord wants you to go to work, then do, and it will work out. Kids do cost alot, but with the Lord all things work out.
:)
When I was pregnant with Sydney I had very similar worries about the NEED to work and the horror of having to leave my baby if I did. Martin and I decided that I would stay home, and the Lord has truly blessed us. Granted, we have been living paycheck to paycheck and every month I think we're going to run out of money... but we haven't yet! Something always comes through, and it has truly humbled me to see the Lord's hand in my life. We don't have a lot--at all--but it's always been enough! And if you still need to work, the Lord will bless you with the means to pay for childcare. I say decide what you want to do and do your best to figure out how to make it work. You will be guided.
My mother has a friend who one day told me she and her husband waited to have children because they wanted to make sure they had everything, good jobs, house, cars. Well, they waited so long, by the time they were ready, they were in their late 30's and felt they were too old.
Realistically, no one is ever ready for children. But if you keep waiting, the opportunity will just pass by.
You and Mark are young enough that you will figure it out!
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