Does anyone else feel like the resources that are out there for pregnant women tend to have a brainwashing effect? That may sound harsh, but let me ramble for a bit and you might see where I'm coming from.
I've known for a long time that I am a very easily influenced person. I have a hard time criticizing or scrutinizing references that I read because I take it all on blind faith that these are the experts who write these materials. When it comes to the books or websites regarding pregnancy, since I am so inexperienced, I want to assume that when they give me warnings of what's unsafe, or that I ought to be doing this or that, that it's valid, scientifically-proven fact. Most of the time, they're probably right, and it just might be proven fact. However, I feel that many times it just creates a mass of paranoid women because they read somewhere that they shouldn't cross their legs during pregnancy for fear of vericose veins...or that they shouldn't eat stuffing from the turkey at Thanksgiving because the bacteria might not be cooked away because it doesn't get warm enough in the oven.
Sometimes I take a look at myself and realize that I've lost the ability to think for myself about my pregnancy, more particularly in my relationship with my husband. The books talk about how the husband needs to step up because that's how he shows his support. They say that he now should be the one to cook, clean, do laundry, and anything else that I just don't feel up to doing because I'm tired and need to take it easy. He should be the one to initiate contact and support for the baby in the womb, and that he should do all these things to prepare for the baby, like watch videos online and attend birthing classes. In reading all these materials, and when I make suggestions (like to watch some birthing videos online), Mark is very resistant. "Why do I need to know what goes on in delivery? You go to the hospital, the doctors do their thing, and all I have to do is say, 'You're doing good!' , 'Keep it up!', and 'PUSH!' Really, why would I need to watch a video?" I know that he would watch them if I REALLY wanted him to, but he just doesn't see the point. Then I get frustrated because I can't really give him a good reason to watch other than it would be for preparation for what will happen during delivery.
My first reaction is to just get frustrated and consider him an unsupportive or inconsiderate husband...which in turn adds stress that I don't need. However, if I think about it a little longer, and hope that it was just a pregnancy mood swing that subsided, I realize that he's not being unsupportive at all. He's totally serious! Well, honestly...what makes me think that he has more time or energy than I do? What makes me think that I truly have a right to become lazy around the house when my husband has just as little time and as much on his plate if not more (with school, finals, recruiting season coming up, a full-time summer internship) as I do as a full-time working woman? What makes me think that he is suddenly going to want to know all the little steps of fetal development, pregnancy, and delivery when he would really rather not know about all that anatomical/physiological gross stuff in the first place? I'll tell you...it's the books that make me think that. I've started looking at my husband in a different way since I got pregnant, but it's not really due to the pregnancy and the thought of having a baby together...it's because the books tell me that this behavior or that behavior is what is normal for the husband because that's what it means to be supportive.
Well, let me tell you something...my husband is supportive!! True, he would rather that I make dinner, but that's because he knows I'm a better cook and he only knows how to make a limited number of recipes...but he'll help me everytime I ask for help with dinner, and he almost ALWAYS does the dishes. He'll even make dinner when I really just don't have the energy to stand up and not hold it against me. (Also, we've been eating out more than we normally would because I simply can't wait until I'm done cooking, and I don't feel up to it to begin with.) He'll ask me how I'm feeling. He'll pick up and move things that are too heavy for me (according to doctor's orders, not lack of muscle-power). He'll give me a back rub when I ask for one, but that's how it's always been. I don't ask for massages unless I really need it, and it's not any different now that I'm pregnant. I don't expect him to pamper me just because I have a growing baby to care for. He is willing to drive for an hour right after I get off of work to see if a baby item I saw on Craig's List will be worth the purchase. As for the "videos" thing...it was never really his type of thing, so why should it be different because I'm pregnant? (Keep in mind this is someone who claims that he would rather not even be in the room during delivery because the whole process just grosses him out...of course, I'm going to make him be in the room with me, but I will let him stay away from the gross area and be up by my head.) Like I said, he'd watch them if I make him, but Mark hasn't changed just because my waistline has. He's still the same person that I fell in love with, and I still feel like I love him more and more as time goes on. Just because he doesn't show his support in the ways the books mention does not mean that he's not supportive.
12 years ago
5 comments:
I know what you mean about the pregnancy brainwashing stuff. For me it had to do with baby care. For example, BabyWise tells you that you can get your baby on a schedule if you start on day one and really work at it. I think they set you up for failure, personally! I read all this stuff when I was pregnant and expected that I could schedule my baby's feedings and sleep schedule right away.... yeah RIGHT! I couldn't make her hungry if she was too tired. I couldn't make her sleep (or wake up) if she didn't want to. I thought I was failing as a mother, but really I just got my expectations all messed up by taking somebody else's word for it. Now I know that parenting is what you make it, and I'm glad you know your husband is supportive even if it's not how the books say!
That definately sounds like Mark...Jeff's reasoning was similar, and I don't think he watched any birthing videos either. And yes, he was grossed out by all the stuff that came out with the baby.
As long as Mark knows that gross stuff happens, and that the baby will look shriveled and purple and very possibly slightly deformed for the first few minutes, then he'll probably be okay.
However, having a good idea what to expect will help him keep his cool adn it will help him help you. I had a friend whose hubby got so overwhelmed by it all that he passed out moments before the baby's arrival...and that was NOT helpful to the laboring mom! Jeff's been much more willing to watch the online videos since Adam was born, and is more interested in the different birthing methods and is even starting to form opinions about them! So, try not to let hormones dampen your relationship (it's hard, I know) or your appreciation for what he can and does give. He'll likely help more with later pregnancies, when he's no longer a student and you're more worn out than ever with chasing little ones AND being pregnant.
Love you lots! Give my love to Mark, too!
The only book or reference that I payed any attention to was called "the unexpected when your expecting" It is a parody of the what to expect book. It was funny but still got the information across with out freaking you out. It is pretty much mocks all the what not to do books. When I was working for the ob office the drs stressed a lot on you have the best judgement for what you can and can't do. Your body knows when you have had too much.
Ha! Wait until the baby gets here! The pregnancy is the easy part! Want to hear something really gross? My daughter tried to eat bird poop and a lady bug a few weeks ago. The delivery is nothing compared to how gross these little monsters/angels really are!
I don't think all the resources out there necessarily try to brainwash mothers. Think of the women out there who don't have a support system, someone to give back/foot massages, someone to lift heavy things. The fact that your Mark is there for you is enough!
Just think of all that you do have, and leave it at that. The recommendations are just suggestions to make life easier for the mommy-to-be. If it works, great, if not, no problem.
All that matters is that YOU are happy, and taken care of. That's it.
I think Mark is doing a great job. Just focus on that.
I agree with most of your other commenters and would personally steer clear of any other advice given in a book that recommends spending your 9 months lazing about being pampered. Pregnancy is a normal, healthy stage of womanhood. While it may be true that you need to take an extra rest now and again, it is also an incredibly important time to be active.
It would seem to me that the woman who spends her pregnancy lying on the couch ringing a bell for more pickles and ice cream is going to be both physically and emotionally unprepared for the demands of childbirth and motherhood.
Maybe it's time to check out some new books on pregnancy...Kitzinger, England, Gaskin and Goer are good authors. I'd be happy to give specific title recommendations if you're interested.
As far as Mark, traditionally men were not involved in childbirth and it isn't because society was backwards, it was because it was womens' work. What the heck would a man have to offer. That norm may be changing in Western society, but it doesn't mean it is a bad thing if a dad doesn't want a lot to do with the birth. Have him, go boil some water or something! ;) Viewing videos maybe helpful for women. Perhaps it helps replace the knowledge and faith in our bodies ability to birth that we would have otherwise received from years of actually helping friends and relatives in childbirth. But for men, I don't think it is necessary if they aren't interested.
In marriage, pregnancy, motherhood and beyond, a supportive man helps his wife with what she needs and she does the same for him. It sounds like you've got that, so I would let those societal "shoulds" go and enjoy this exciting time in your relationship.
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